The Second Time Around....

I don't know what's taken me so long to sit down and write this post... But here I am, 29 weeks into it and finally sharing my story....and our wonderful news!

About a month before we were set to move across the country from North Carolina to California, I finally found peace in Jamie's and my decision to not have any more children. I had gone back and forth ever since Nya was born; should we have a sibling for her? Will we have the money and time to care for two (plus Jamie's two older boys)? The questions were endless, but we finally agreed and felt peace with our decision.

So began my quest to go through, clear out, and get rid of all Nya's gear and baby items I had been hanging onto. I know they were just "things", but each one of those "things" held a special memory for me. I remember the amount of time I spent researching to find the "perfect" gear. I remember each and every moment. And I knew I'd always have the memories in my heart, but letting go felt like I was letting go of a part of my baby.

But, I did it. I went through EVERYTHING, and little by little, it all went. All I had left were a few items of clothing that I just couldn't part with, and a random bath tub (how that happened I'm not quite sure!).

It was a week before we were set to move, and I had packaged up the last random clothes I had been holding onto for some friends who were having babies. As I sat there packing them into bags and reminiscing about the memories and how drastically our lives were about to change in California, an overwhelming feeling came over me, mixed with a slight bit of panic.

I asked Jamie if he would run out and grab me a pregnancy test. He, of course, thought I was crazy, but begrudgingly obliged.

30 minutes later I was in the bathroom, balling my eyes out over what I saw before me. I was PREGNANT!

What?!?!

This couldn't be right. I couldn't possibly be pregnant. There must be a mistake! Fear overtook my entire being.

       The realization of everything I had just given away.....
       The amount of money it would cost to replace all those items....
       The struggle that Jamie and I experienced in our relationship after Nya was born.
       The fact that I wasn't in the same shape I was in when I became pregnant with Nya....
       How much harder this would be.
       Heading to California where I was planning on heading back to work.

I couldn't control the emotions that overtook me and I  just sobbed uncontrollably for 2 hours.

I had, and still do have, a difficult time admitting this reaction. I felt incredibly selfish and guilty for feeling the way that I did, knowing how many women want to carry a baby and cannot. And here I was, not even trying, doing everything in my power to prevent this from happening... pregnant and terrified.

I took 5 more tests over the next couple of days, and made appointments with two different doctors, confirming the news.

There was a small part of me that was happy. I believe everything happens for a reason, and we were meant to have another baby. But the larger part of me was still terrified.

Shortly thereafter, on the day the movers arrived, the nausea hit me. I couldn't stop throwing up, I couldn't keep anything down, and I was about to drive with a 2 year old and CAMP across this country. How on earth am I going to do this???

Well.... I did it. Our trip was amazing, but definitely had its challenges. I was by myself with Nya, who DID NOT sleep in the truck...EVER. She didn't have an IPad, or portable DVD player to keep her occupied. I was her entertainment....From North Carolina to California. We talked and sang nonstop. I had to pee and throw up every couple of hours. I slept on the hard ground, hiked through forests, ate a lot of snack and camping food (which was so not appealing), and went nonstop. It was exhausting. But it was also pretty amazing too.

Waiting for Daddy and the dogs to arrive in Asheville....

First Family hike of the trip in the Blue Ridge Mountains...

Making Wishes on a "potty" Break....

My love....

First Night Camping....

Exhausted after a LONG hike at Mount Nebo...

Palo Duro Canyon... We had horrible storms all night long!

Palo Duro Canyon Hike...The Grand Canyon of Texas!

Not much longer....

Plaza Blanco, NM

After nearly 3 weeks, we finally made it. I was so glad to be "home". Luckily, Jamie was off for a couple weeks, during the time I was at my absolute worst. I cried, I was sick. I was tired. I felt like I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be to Nya. I didn't feel up to talking to friends. I didn't want to meet new people or make plans. I was just absolutely miserable.

Finally "Home"....

But slowly my energy came back, I let family know. I began putting myself out there. And I became incredibly happy (although still a bit scared, however subsiding) that I was pregnant with another little baby.

This pregnancy has seemed to fly by. On top of starting my own business, trying to keep my Facebook page up and running with helpful and relevant information, spending time with family after years apart, getting settled in a new place, researching midwives, birth centers, and doulas, and just running around after an active and crazy toddler...I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and have no idea when I'll be getting off.

This experience has humbled me, helped me focus even more on the little things in life, and forced me to be ever present in the moment.  I am so incredibly thankful and appreciative of all that I have, and although crazy and chaotic the majority of the time, I wouldn't trade this for anything else.

I'm sorry I didn't share this journey with you sooner.... It's out now, for the world to know. Thank you for your patience and support through it all! I plan to update over the next month with pregnancy info; how a whole food plant based diet has provided me and baby with all the nutrients we need, choosing between a hospital, home, and birth center, choosing a midwife and doula, creating a nursery on a budget, my all over the place moods, and the other fun adventures we've experienced this time around.

28 Weeks + 3 Days....

Mommy and Me time!

Family Day....Exploring SD!

Also, I'll be taking  a poll to see what you think I'm having: boy, girl, twins? Head over to the Facebook page to vote (Poll up soon!).

To connect with others in this crazy journey of life, discover new parenting ideas & fun DIY projects, learn about holistic remedies, & find whole food plant based recipes, please visit our Facebook page Loving Green at Loving Green FB.