I've always believed everything happens for a reason, although I don't always know at the time what that reason is...
The nature of my husband's work constantly has him away for periods of time, and very often I feel like a single parent. When Jamie isn't deployed, or away training, he's home late and gone early, so he misses much, if not all, of our day to day life and the decisions that accompany them.
Even as a free spirit, I have found myself forced to be in control. To make all the decisions by myself. To take care of everything by myself. And I have a difficult time giving up that control to let others help or do things for me; I am capable to do for myself.
Hurting myself to the extent that I did, turned my world upside down. No longer was I in control. No longer could I do everything I wanted to do. I was physically incapable to do for myself.
I couldn't take care of Nya. I couldn't even hold her. It was one of the worst feelings. After three hours of trying to convince myself and Jamie that the injuries were nothing, I finally gave in and accepted the reality that something was actually wrong.
We had to drop Nya off at a friend's in order to head to the emergency room. I wasn't prepared. It was Nya's nap time. I'm the only one that's ever put her down for a nap. She's not used to sleeping in her pack n play and we've never left her somewhere before. I didn't know how long we'd be. I didn't have an adequate dinner prepared for her. The list of fears went on and on.
I was controlled by the what ifs and all I could think about was how am I going to take care of my daughter? Even at the ER, I kept trying to convince myself that nothing was actually wrong and I was just a little banged up: The injuries are all in your head, it's nothing!
The next day we had to see a specialist, therefor requiring us to find another sitter to watch Nya. Again, I was forced to leave her right before nap time with a "stranger". And again, the panic began to sweep in. Is Nya going to be ok? Will this sitter be able to put Nya down for her nap without tears? What news am I going to get today? These thoughts consumed me.
Yet the majority of this panic and worry was for nothing. Nya was completely fine. She was happy and content without me. She went down for her naps both days without a problem. She adapted and adjusted... much better than I did.
The break in my arm wasn't that bad. I sought alternative treatments to help myself heal (look for that blog soon!) and by the third day was feeling tremendously better and even able to hold Nya for brief periods.
I realized, although unable to fully accept, that this is my lesson: to let go and let others do. Trust that I have given Nya the strength she needs to handle and adapt to new situations. Encourage Jamie to have a more active role in taking care of Nya and other responsibilities. Allow friends to help when they ask. And ask for help when I need it.
Knowing your lessons, and learning from them are two very different things. I have repeated the same lessons over and over. Until you awaken to your instincts and life's gentle nudges, tragedy occurs to force you into a different course of action.
Things are going to happen. Plans will change. This is life. The question is, will you awaken and adapt to your challenges before they become major lessons, or will you learn the hard way?
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