Balance

The other night I went over to a girlfriend's house for a girls night in.  While I was trying to get myself out the door, my heart was breaking to miss this special time with my family.  Night time is my favorite time, because it's when we get to all be together for those few short moments before another day begins, and before my little girl will no longer be so little.

I hate missing the moments of life, and got to thinking that lately, I feel like I'm constantly having to choose.  To choose between my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, my work, my exercise, my sleep...everything. If I choose this, than that will suffer.   It used to be so easy to juggle, and somewhere along the line (having a baby), that all changed.  I'm still trying to hold on to a chapter of my life that has ended.  And as I've moved in to this new chapter, nearly 14 months later, I'm still struggling to figure it all out.

How do moms balance it all?  Sometimes I make it through the day and am proud; I feel rested, inspired, I've accomplished so much, and I can tackle anything!  Other days, I'm stressed to the limit because it's been days since I returned that phone call or text, the house is a disaster (again), I haven't worked out in five days, I spent zero time getting my business going, and, oh yeah, when was the last time I slept more than 5 hours? 

Today was one of those days that I was reminded just how miserably I'm failing in keeping it all together.  Apparently, checking in via text is not sufficient enough. In the midst of feeling discouraged and guilty, I began to get angry.  I'm doing the best I can! Don't people get it??

And I realized, probably not all.  Maybe some moms and/or dads have managed to balance everything.  Maybe some try to do it all and feel like an area of their life is having to give.  Maybe some just pretend.  And maybe some are like me; just trying to keep their head above water, doing as much as they can, and doing it the best they know how.   

Since I've had Nya, my time has become very limited.  Being a stay at home mom, every minute of my time during her waking hours is devoted to her.  Nya is my first priority, and most likely always will be.  She will come before anyone and anything else in my life at this point.  While she's still at this young stage of her life, and is dependent on me, I choose to be there for her, at whatever cost to another area of my life.  I don't want to admit that, or for it to have to be that way, but that is the truth.  She is my priority.  I know one day she won't need me as she does now, and for that reason, I want to hold on to these moments for as long as I am given them.

...

And that's when it finally hit me.  I still will try to do it all, even when I'm failing miserably.  And it's ok.

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