Faking it... The First Day of School.

Nya began her first day of preschool Monday. The day I had been looking forward to and dreading, all in one.

We made the decision months ago that Nya would greatly benefit from preschool, and thus, began the tiring search of finding the right fit.

From the moment I enrolled her, I questioned our decision. I felt guilty.

Deep down I knew this was the right thing for her. She is young, but each child is different. I knew she would be ok, but there was still that fear and panic inside that haunted my thoughts. I had only left her a handful of times with either my husband or a close friend.

Was I ready for this?

The day before the big day, I was sick to my stomach. I didn't want my fears and hang ups to plague her experience. So I did what I began doing from the day she was born.

I faked it.

Inside I was a wreck, but outwardly, I was calm, cool, and happy. We talked all about it. It was just another day with another new adventure. Nya picked out her lunchbox and backpack. We read about Llama Llama going to school and missing his mamma. We talked about her teachers and the friends she would get to play with. I never put fear in her head, and I kept my emotions out of it.

Monday morning arrived and when I went into her room, Nya eagerly jumped out of bed exclaiming, "I go to preschool today!" She picked out her outfit with mismatching shoes, we grabbed a quick breakfast, and then I tried to capture this special moment in time before we headed off. I had seen the Pinterest pictures. I made my chalkboard sign. I was ready.

Unfortunately, Nya had other plans, and downright refused to let me get her photo...

Our "memory" of the first day of school. She is NOT into photos at the moment!

So off we headed to school. We got there early so Nya had enough time to use the potty and get comfortable with her surroundings. I made my goodbye brief and happy, and immediately walked away.

She didn't even watch me go. It was in that moment that my heart broke and beamed all at the same time. I was a flood of emotions. I was thankful and happy that she was so fine with me leaving, but selfishly, I wanted her to miss me as much as my heart was missing her.

I felt a little lost, and unsure of what to do with this new found freedom.

The entire three hours that Nya was in class, I counted down the minutes, envisioning our happy reunion.

I was sure she would squeal my name and run into my arms when she saw me, as she has the handful of times I have left her with Jamie.

But that moment never came. Nya was too engrossed in after school play to even notice me. She asked me to take her to the potty, then wanted to go back to play with her new friends. My already broken heart, dropped a little further.

Nya with her teachers after school.

I took that time to talk with her teachers, Nya did awesome and absolutely loved it. She told them when she needed to use the potty (one of my major worries), shared well with the other kids, and confidently navigated all of the lesson plans.

Nya was calm, confident, and happy. That is exactly what I want as a parent. So why has a piece of my heart fallen away?

More than the preschool, I realized this was just the first of many new firsts she'll have. She's growing up, and won't need me as much as she once did. Our relationship will never be the same.

Nya's her own person, independently navigating her path in this world. No longer my little baby, I wont always be at her side to protect her. All I can do is continue to raise her to think for herself, and love her unconditionally with everything I have. I pray for her to always be that calm, confident, and happy little girl as she continues her journey in life.

To many many more successful firsts!

This never happens anymore! Exhausted and asleep on the drive home from preschool.

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