Losing It.

I literally had a moment this morning....more like an entire hour, where I felt myself completely losing control of my emotions. For the first time, I was mad at my daughter.

Jamie has been gone for about 6 months. The holidays are around the corner. My family is across the country with no plans to visit. And the people I thought were my friends (all but a couple!) have completely bailed on me.

I got up this morning and reached for my wedding ring that I keep on my dresser. The place I always keep it. Yet this morning however, my wedding band was gone and only my engagement ring remained. I looked over at Nya who had wandered into my room. I vaguely remember seeing her bring her stool into my room the day before and place it in the exact spot I was now standing.

"Nya, do you know where mommy's ring is?"

"Uh-huh. I took it," she replied.

I felt the fear creeping through my body, as I began imagining the absolute worst.

Remaining calm, I asked her what she did with it. To which of course, she couldn't remember.

We only had one hour to get everything together and be out the door. As I frantically searched around the house, I wanted to scream at her, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY RING?!?!"

I could tell by the look in her eyes that she felt bad, and her kind words of, "I'll help you momma," made me feel like a complete ass.

I realize it's just a ring. It's something that can be replaced. And logically, I shouldn't be making such a big deal about it.

But panic overcame me as I realized I may never find it. I broke down and cried and told Nya, "Mommy needs a minute." The panic turned to anger and utter despair. I was a wreck and I felt so close to losing it.

With Jamie gone, this is all I have of him. This ring is incredibly sacred and means so much to me. We had our rings engraved with special messages to remind each other of our love while we were apart. And now that's gone.

Nya's made a mess, ignored me, damaged things, and more, and I've always been able to remain calm and even find humor in the situation. Because at the end of the day, nothing really matters but the confidence and trust Nya has in our relationship and herself.

But this time was different. I couldn't be in the moment with her. I couldn't find the humor. The panic, fear, sadness, and anger overwhelmed me. I wanted my ring...that little part of Jamie...back.

I explained to Nya why I was so sad and how special the ring is to me because it's a gift from her daddy. We talked about my feelings because I want Nya to learn we're all human. We make mistakes. We react to situations. And that the important thing is for us to work through them together.

I told her everything would be ok, and that we would look again later.

We went about our day and my sadness and anger turned into regret. I had actually felt mad at my innocent little 2 year old. I was so close to losing it and she meant no harm. I felt awful that I could even have those feelings towards her. And I was upset that I would allow something so little ruin a moment of time we had together.

I began to think of all the children who are yelled at on a regular basis. What does this do to their self worth?

Every action we take. Every word we speak. Every tone we use. Our children are observing. They are learning their value by the world we present them with. And they will grow up to live what they learn.

What value do we give their self worth?

What kind of world do we want this to be?

Nya helped me look for my ring for half an hour before bedtime, and I continued looking for another hour after that.

It's still missing.

I'm trying to remain hopeful that it will turn up, but I'm reminding myself it is just a thing. It can be replaced. Yet the moments we have together, cannot. And each moment we're granted, can never be had again.

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