Life is funny in that it throws at you what you least expect, what you don't want to expect, and what you certainly did NOT plan for. We had timed everything perfectly. We were at that stage in our marriage where we were just ready for a baby. We had just bought a new home. Jamie would be able to retire from the military soon which meant stability - no more moving or deployments and we could settle down near family. He had orders to a new unit that was non deployable. I was in the best shape of my life and my body was ready to handle this pregnancy.
When Nya was born I was absolutely elated. I still, to this day, remember every second of labor and her birth as though it just happened. We had our little miracle and I couldn't wait for the next chapter to begin. This is it! Everything we ever wanted was finally here. We were a family!
Jamie, on the other hand, was exhausted all the time and just wanted to sleep whenever he was home. That infuriated me. And thus began the start of our struggle.
I couldn't understand why he wasn't as excited and happy as I was. We had a beautiful and amazing daughter who could not be easier. I was doing everything; taking care of Nya, walking our dog twice a day, doing all the dishes, the laundry, cooking...I mean, really, the list was endless. And I still had energy for him. It's not like HE was the one who carried her for nine months. It's not like HIS body had to change. It's not like HIS hormones were all over the place. It's not like HE went through labor and had our daughter sans any kind of medication. It's not like HE was sore from childbirth. It's not like HIS boobs were leaking milk every second. AND, I still wanted to have time for us, yet he's too freaking tired? What's his deal?!? I kept repeating this to myself and the more I repeated it, the angrier with him I got.
By the time Nya was 4 months of age, I was done with our relationship. This is not what I signed up for, not what I planned, and certainly not what I was prepared for. This by far was the lowest point we've ever experienced in our relationship. I did not look at him the same. I did not look at him with loving eyes. I instead looked at him as a man I didn't even know and one I definitely did not like.
And why, I kept asking myself? We have everything we've been working and striving for. We have our daughter. Why can't we just be happy??
Fast forward a few months and we are in a MUCH better place. But it took work. It still takes work. Every second. Every minute. Every. Single. Day.
What I realized, and am thankful for having realized this, is that I needed to change my thoughts. I only have control over myself, my feelings, my beliefs, my actions. I was focused on all the negatives. I was so overly concerned with what Jamie was and wasn't doing, that I lost the "peace" of myself.
We still drive each other crazy, and probably always will. But who doesn't experience that, right? How you choose to deal with that, is what shapes your marriage. You can concentrate on the negative, pick it apart, and become angrier and angrier. Or you can just let it all go; choosing instead to only see the positives (and believe me, sometimes you really have to dig to find them, but I promise they are always there), and just be happy.
We all have control over one thing and one thing only in our life. And that is our thoughts.
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
~Mahatma Gandhi
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*Disclaimer: I asked my husband to read this before publishing since it is so raw and personal. His response? He wanted it known that he wanted us BOTH to be sleeping... not just himself!
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