Loving Green: No News. No Thank You.

A lot has changed for me over the past three years. Being married to the military, we are constantly uprooting our lives, the friends we've made, the careers we've begun, and the places that have become home. In doing so, it's hard to lay down roots. It's difficult to forever be changing your job, in an already terrible economy. It's hard to move ahead in your career. I have found my "identity' which had previously always been my work, to be taken from me. I no longer lead my own life, but instead have become a follower to someone else's.

Don't get me wrong, I would not change my life for anything in the world. And I certainly am not looking for pity. This is the life I knowingly chose and agreed to. Having said that, it still can be hard.

I was always one of those people that felt if I didn't have work, than what did I have? I would go from sun up to beyond sun down, busting my butt to create the life I wanted, to get to that next step, and be where I wanted to be. Work was my identity and value in this world. So what do you do when you lose that too?

Two years ago, Jamie and I decided we were ready to start a family. I had always thought prior to having my daughter, that I would be a mother who balanced both work and motherhood. But as I became pregnant, I realize I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my daughter and be the one who raised her. I wanted to see all of her accomplishments and milestones with my own eyes and ears instead of through someone else's.

By becoming a mother, I've found how all consuming this new job is. Yet I hate to even call it a job, because I feel it's a privilege. I'm extremely lucky to be able to stay at home and raise my daughter. Yet it's still all consuming with little to no validation (other than the smiles and accomplishments from your little one!). To be a good mother, and really allow your child's individual personality to blossom, grow, and develop with the utmost confidence, it takes a LOT of work, energy, and time. My thoughts are constantly with Nya, and how to prevent my fears, hang-ups, and viewpoints from becoming hers.

Yet there is still that small part inside myself, that asks and wonders if I'm doing enough? Is being a stay at home mom enough? Is that all that I am? What does that mean?  What about my career? The validation I received from it? Am I no longer interesting to others because I spend my days with a 14 month old?

When someone hits on those vulnerabilities, it stings. Because they are voicing what you already feel inside about yourself. And when that happens, it forces you to take a deep breath, step back and reevaluate your life.

Yesterday I was asked if I could read the news more, because I no longer have anything interesting to talk about. Even if it's just the headlines. So I know something.

Um...What?!?!

It was a complete slap in the face. Hurt and anger rushed inside me and I wanted to tell the idiot to go F off.  After spewing my own truth, I kindly said, "No thank you" and walked away.

The entire evening I mulled those words over in my head, wondering if they held any truth. Have I become this boring person? Am I no longer interesting because I'm a few days behind with what's going on in the world?   Do I really not know anything?

I follow what's important to me. My energy is placed on what matters to my heart.

So maybe I don't always keep up with the latest news story. To be perfectly honest, I don't really care. My focus is Nya. But I have a lot of passions and interests. I just choose to share them with those that actually want to listen.

My priority is to be present in the moment with my family and just enjoy this gift of life. It's so short and years pass in the blink of an eye. I don't want to miss any of it. I don't have time to always be up to date with the latest news story, and I simply don't want to. Really, is that what life is about? Ignoring the people right in front of you so you can check the current newsfeed on your IPhone in order to talk about it later with those same people that are sitting right in front of you? No thank you.

After getting over the initial shock and hurt by those statements (I do respect speaking your truth, even if I don't like it!), I got angry, and then simply just got over it. The words really made me take a moment and look at my life and where I'm at. And where I'm at, is good enough.

Are there moments and times that I wish for more? That I long to have a career again and simply live in one place? To spend my time with family, the same friends, and be able to build on those relationships instead of starting all over?

Absolutely. And one day I will be. But for now, this is where my life is and I welcome it with open arms. I think I'm pretty interesting and fun, even if it is in a different way than I was 10 years ago. Sure, it was easier than. I was younger. I was at the peak of my career. I had stability and freedom in my life. I was surrounded by a great support network of family and friends that weren't leaving. Life was easy.

But I've learned life changes.  I have the most important job I will ever have: that of being a mother. All we ever have is this moment, and I proudly say that I take this moment with my daughter over reading the latest news story any day.

"I am a damn good mother, and I am more proud of that than anything else." ~ Anonymous

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child." ~ Sophia Loren

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